Pretty much in a nut-shell, my mother-in-law is an alcoholic. She's depressed, anti-social, and sick to say the least. She is selfish as most alcoholics are and she is in complete denial of how her life really is. I don't know when her alcoholism started but as far as I can tell it has been atleast 25 years or probably more. She was a horrible, HORRIBLE, mother to Josh. I don't think people really know how she was both physically and emotionally abusive toward him. Its a wonder that he didn't turn out more damaged than he all ready was.
I will give you a picture of her situation. My MIL doesn't work, hasn't since Josh and his brother were kids, she doesn't drive either. She hardly does house work, hardly gardens, hardly cooks, hardly leaves the house. I think she plays on the computer A LOT and drinks A LOT and smokes A LOT. She has two dogs that she takes care of so of course that makes her day really difficult. You know, reaching to open the sliding glass door so they can go out in the back pen takes a lot of effort. (can you tell that I'm bitter?? Yes, I am because it is hard to have affinity toward someone who has hurt someone you love so much). She is sick all the time with colds, coughing, hacking, allergies, etc. Why wouldn't she be as her immune system is shot to hell! She isn't outwardly mean but she knows what to say at certain times that is actually really hurtful. She thinks if she puts LOL at the end of a sentence that it won't come off that she's being a bitch. She is being a bitch though and she is being hurtful on purpose.
Josh and his family have been through it all with her. They've done an intervention with her (one time-over 10 years ago), she has quit drinking, started drinking again and lied about it or has been open about it, she has been hospitalized from seizures. Just a bunch of craziness and drama that most of the family members talk about but not really ever directly with her.
I got pregnant and my brother-in-laws girlfriend was also pregnant around the same time. We all agreed that if she was drinking that there just wasn't a way that she could be around our kids, especially alone. She stopped drinking and was involved in our kids lives to a certain extent. Then the tell-tale signs came back; the weird phone calls or messages, the way her voice sounds, the lack of visiting our kids, the excuses why she couldn't be somewhere, the smell of alcohol on her breath. No one would ever call her out on it though; Big Secret. Recently though she has admitted that she has beer around and Josh felt as though she can do what she wants. As long as she isn't lying about it than he doesn't really care. Just don't treat him like he's dumb.
Fast forward to this weekend. Josh calls his mom to borrow a booster seat from her for Drew. She is clearly wasted at 10:30 am. Starts to bring up how she has all this baby gear that was never used because we never brought our kids over (Yah, no kidding lady, you are a drunk and we were never invited anyways). Josh wants to lay into her but knows it's not worth it. So we go to a graduation party and in the first 5 minutes I'm warned by a friend to not let my MIL hold my kids as she is drunk and has all ready fallen on the ground. How humiliating! My brother-in-law and Josh are embarrased by her and annoyed with her. I'm shocked that my father-in-law even brought her to the event. She starts talking to me about helping her sell her baby stuff on eBay because of course I never brought the babies over and so it has never been used. I'm annoyed as hell. I hate her tone and her accusations, but why get in it with her. She's a drunk. When my MIL leaves the party, my father-in-law has to have control over her body. He holds tightly on to her arm to lead her down the drive way. It's rather pathetic.
I talked extensively to Josh about it on Saturday night, how I think the situation needs to be confronted somehow. Understandably he is afraid of losing his relationship with his dad over it and he says, what good would it do anyways. Perhaps he's right.
Then last night my brother-in-law receives Facebook messages from her. They aren't long, but there is a hint of hatefulness in there, but as usual, they are ended in LOL but we all see it for what it is. So here we all are; talking about her again last night and she is again hurting Josh and my brother-in-law again whether they would like to admit it or not. Everyone walks on egg shells around her. Her own mother will do anything to support her and couldn't bare the thought of losing her (she has all ready had one daughter die of cancer and has lost 2 husbands). Josh's dad is as much as a victim as anyone, but he is the #1 enabler but feels responsible for her. Probably easier to deal with her drunk than her being being a drunk without a drink.
For me, being a person on the outside, I want to confront. I want Josh's dad and his gram to open their eyes and see the true reality of what is going on here. She has caused immense pain in both her children, she is literally closer to death every day, for the life she lives she actually may as well be dead. She is missing out on the lives of 3 wonderful grandchildren. Her lifestyle is NOT NORMAL, SO WHY IS EVERYONE PRETENDING THAT IT IS??
I'm so frustrated by the whole thing and how everyone is around it. She is the problem, we are not! I want her to see what she has done, how she has ruined lives because of her drinking. I just want her to take some sort of responsibility and I want an acknowledgement from someone that it is time to do something about it or ties need to be cut for good. The hurt and pain, the lies and the guilt trip needs to stop. I'm annoyed as hell and I'm angry. Can you tell? LOL (See what I just did there?)
For info on Alcoholics Annonymous
http://www.aa.org/?Media=PlayFlash
I am so sorry to hear about all this and know how hard it can be. We've got very similar problems, it was actually as if I was reading about my own mother in law.
ReplyDeleteWe had to break family contact for a while (for the kids safety) and she is just so irrational. She did stop drinking two years ago but something else is not right, mental problems I think.
Anyway, it's a hard subject and I can't really relate as I am not close to her at all but it must be so hard for my husband.
I hope things will get sorted out for your family soon. Keep strong.
Same for me, I'm not close to her either. We have absolutely nothing in common. I just get so frustrated because I know the childhood that my husband had to grow up in and how everyone just "tip toes" around her. Ugh! I too believe there are other underlying mental problems. It's sad really.
DeleteAnywho, thanks for your comment! :)
Wow what a hard thing to talk about but I think it's great that you did. Holding things in can feel so much worse. It's so very hard to help those who don't want the help or don't think they need help. Addictions have such a profound affect on everyone involved and it sounds like your family has been through a lot. Has the family ever tried those meetings for family's of alcoholics or other addictions, sometimes those can be really helpful. Just know there are many other families dealing with these issues as well, you are not alone. Stay strong!
ReplyDeleteHi! Thanks, actually there has been some counseling involved to deal with certain issues regarding her. For the most part we all go about our daily lives without even thinking about her, but when incidents happen where we start to get crazy messages from her or she shows up drunk at a party, its just so maddening. I appreciate your suggestion!
DeleteOh man. This is rough stuff. I'm sorry that you have to deal with this. My inlaws are alcoholics too, and it's hard to deal with how self centered they are. I think you are making the right choice about your kids. She can't be trusted when she's drunk and it's smart that you're not putting your kids in harms way.
ReplyDeleteIts so aggravating isn't it? I swear alcoholics are one of the mos selfish group. I could care less how she lives her life, but it just makes me so angry when it upsets my husband or knowing that my kids don't get the attention for her that they deserve. Thanks for listening to me vent :)
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ReplyDeleteThat is so awesome! Thanks for your support!! :)
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That's just awful! There definitely needs to be some kind of intervention! It's good that you have a place to vent!!
ReplyDeleteI just started the blog for fun...didn't mean for it to go serious, but figured it's a topic that a lot of people can relate to and gave me an outlet for my own frustration. On to more positive stuff :)
DeleteHi! Thanks for stopping by! I'm headed over to check out your link!!
ReplyDeleteim so sorry to hear! keep strong tho, We had a similar situation in our family with an uncle and Im glad to say that He has recovered thank God. Theres always hope. I certainly do admire you for speaking out about it
ReplyDelete(also thanks for your lovely comment on my blog, im now following you!
I'm am so sorry you're going through all of this! I can (for the most part) totally relate. My MIL isn't an alcoholic, she is depressed and has more of an emotional instability, but she sounds EXACTLY like your MIL otherwise. It is BEYOND frustrating! I can't possibly understand why everyone just turns their head the other way in situations like this, when it's obviously not normal and hurting everyone! I totally feel for you. Sending you some good vibes. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteThanks...ugh...depression, that is so difficult too. Sending some good vibes right back at you :)
DeleteThank you so much for sharing! You never know when it is going to be the right moment for that person to want to reach out for help, so I appreciate you offering the link!
ReplyDeleteI have been in the Psychology field for 26 years so I can explain the ....LOL thing to you.
ReplyDeleteInsecure people have this forced laugh at the end of a snide comment. They are immature and insecure and function like a 8-12 year old.
I find it best to confront that behavior and the statement that they made. This makes them very defensive and less likely to do that behavior if people are consistent.
They will then move to a passive aggessive mode and walking away and avoiding them is the best way to deal with that.
I know this is a old blog but I am currently struggling with this same situation. It is good to know I am not the only daughter in law that has this problem. I find it harder and harder to be around her.She is a functional alcoholic. She doesn't work ( never did), drinks all day, drives ( yes drives), blames her dead family for her drinking, says inappropriate comments at times, depressed, only talks about the past more the the future.she justifies that drinking is better then taking meds her doctor gives her for fibromyalgia. Thank goodness we moved an hour away. Her son and husband lets her be this way, they avoid the whole situation. I am the only one who is wanting to confront it. It is so sad.
ReplyDeleteI too have to deal with an annoying, drunk mother in law. She has called me and husband names and cursed us on many occassions. She has told me how horrible of a step mother I am, when I put every dollar and extra time into my step kids and husband. She apologizes and claims she just feels guilty for not having her life together. To me that's no excuse. She never works, she is always asking for money. She lives with a man who is a hoarder and 40 years older than herself. I don't know how she is going to take care of herself once he dies! I am tired of the up and downs. I had to deal with my husbands alcohol dependency for 10 years on top of hers. Now that he is sober he is realizing she needs help but I don't think he knows where to begin to help. Its saddening and stressful. Part of me wants to give up on it all, but that's not the Godly thing to do.
DeleteI am also dealing with an alcoholic MIL. She lives with us. We have only been married 4 years but she moved in 3 months after we were married. She does not support herself and has not for over 15 years. My husband has taken care of her pretty much since he graduated college. He has supported her financially and given her a place to live. I realized her drinking and kept telling him but he would never say anything to her. When he did, it didn't help. Now we have a son of our own and I don't want her around him. She just drank a half a bottle of vodka today. All she ever says is "I drank this. I'll buy some more." Why doesn't she understand that the problem is her drinking and not that we want her to buy more booze. She is always buying bottles she finishes and then finishes them again. I am so sick of it. I don't want her around my son at all. She says she is moving out at the end of this month but that only causes us to worry. What will become of her? Will her drinking get worse? Just like the other posts above, no one seems to confront her about why she is drinking and they just act like its normal.
DeleteI know its been a few months and hopefully things are better, but if not understand that there isn't anything anyone can do or say. The alcoholic has to want to get help and stop their drinking. You should look into al-anon for help. I've been going to meetings for the past 3 months and its changed my life. You're not going to be able to get thru all this alone. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, I assure you.
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